Warning, Gentlemen’s Spice can make you splurt….
Doctor: Do come in, if you would just like to just remove your trousers and wait behind the screen.
Captain: Right-ho! And it’s ‘Captain’, if you don’t mind.
Doctor: Do excuse me, Captain, we are rather a quiet little community. It’s not often we have a man like yourself come to live. You were in the Royal Flying Corp, I understand?
Captain: That’s right, Doc, No.1 Squadron… the best! Three years on the Western Front, thirty-one confirmed downings, eight crashes and a piece of shrapnel in the leg. I can tap It’s a Long Way to Tipperary just by bending my knee. Tick tick tick… tick… tick…
Doctor: I see. I am curious, Captain… what brings you to our sleepy little village?
Captain: Well I stayed on in Paris after the war, and truth be told, It was becoming a bit much. Needed a break from those French fillies. Two, three I can handle, but four of them on a Friday night, every Friday night, week after week, month after month… Steady on, Doc, hand’s a bit cold there.
Doctor: Now if you wouldn’t mind giving me a cough.
Captain: A cough? How about I give you a roar instead? ROAAARRRRRRR!
Doctor: Ahem. Do you drink much at all?
Captain: Do I? Rather! Hatch, gullet, stomach, in less than 3 seconds – ten times a night. I treat my drink like I want my women to treat me.
Doctor: I see. Erm… you may want to look at cutting down on that.
Captain: Ha! The women or the drink? Good one, Doc!
Doctor: Now excuse me whilst I just go through with this comb.
Captain: I say, that’s a bit ticklish, Doc, reminds of this five foot two, green-eyed little thing from ‘Le Chabanais’ – twenty-five francs and she’s over you top and tails with that tiny little tongue of hers.
Doctor: Right… well I can’t see or feel anything. Have you had any itching?
Captain: Nothing, except an itching for a good ride on that little creature I saw in the post office this morning. ROAARRR!
Doctor: Any unwanted discharge?
Captain: Not since I was fourteen years old and the Spanish mistress accidentally flashed a view of her stockings. I was quite a tent, I can tell you.
Doctor: Any pain or discomfort?
Captain: Well, actually Doc, there is…
Doctor: Really? Please do go on.
Captain: It’s the thought of those Parisian girls who are going to go unfulfilled this weekend. Damn shame. Damn shame.
Doctor: Captain, I cannot see anything wrong, I cannot feel anything wrong. You say you have no discharge or itching and nor are you in any sort of medical pain. What did you say was actually wrong again?
Captain: Nothing
Doctor: Pardon.
Captain: Nothing wrong, old bean, I just wanted to show you my knob. ROAAARRRRRRR!
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Tags: #fridayflash, 1920's, 1921, Captain, Captain Flashheart, Doctor, England, Europe, It’s a Long Way to Tipperary, Kettlewell, Le Chabanais, Pilot, Royal Flying Corp
I think I laughed just as much the second time around!
Another one that would make a fun podcast.
What a shame that the old Captain is so shy….
That was low brow, juvenile and hilarious! Excellent.
Poor thing – the war has really knocked the stuffing out of the old codger. Captain Flashheart would undoubtedly approve!
Did you read this one out at your lit group? I’d pay money to see that, yes I would!
What a character. Fabulous fun, what a great mini-play this would make. Off to get paper towels to clean up coffee splurted all over laptop. Peace, Linda
I join Linda in finding paper towels to clean laptop.
You are one hilarious chap! Your writing always entertains, amuses. Always love your characters.
Hooray pour le Francais!
Farewell, Angleterre!
We didn’t know the way to tickle Mary,
But we learned how, over there!
*laughs hysterically* I’m with Lily – I’d pay good money to watch this being read. I always hear a deep, resounding voice in your work, no matter who’s speaking; would love to hear this, and the rest, as podcasts. I do hope you’ll consider that.
Great entertaining fun!
Can picture this as a great tv sketch – the captain would be a brilliant reoccuring character, and who doesn’t love a knob joke or two?!
If you got it, flaunt it!
What’s the Captain’s phone number??????
He is quite a card! Love your stories, they’re hilarious!
This was an absolute hoot to read! I’m picking myself off the floor now. Still laughing.
Love it. Had me laughing out loud. Great story as always!
Yeah, it’s patients like this that I dreaded when I worked at a medical office. Thank goodness I never had to have anyone take their clothes off! What a wanker! I agree with the others — would love to see this one read aloud.
CD
Yes, yes, I can almost hear the voices for these characters if it were read for a podcast! It HAS to be done.
Great story.
I absolutely adore the Captain – I definitely would have succumbed to his charms.
Hilarious, yes. Dialogue story that works? Even better. Great style here, and sense of humor (oops, I mean humour).
Great line: I treat my drink like I want my women to treat me. I’ll have to try hard not to steal that.
Funny, funny, funny ROARRRRR!
Tsk, Naughty. Also hilarious. I almost choked on my coffee.