Comments on: Speranza

By: Chance

Chance — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 11:44:30 +0000

Many thanks for the comments, this is possibly a sketch for a longer future piece; Thanks for the critique as well, most helpful

Also awnser your question Jared Branch,

Pretty much all the writing on this site is based on places I have been. Sometimes I need to stretch things a bit, for example I have never been to Lisbon, but have been to enough Mediteranium ports to be able to build the scene.

By: Jared Branch

Jared Branch — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 19:05:42 +0000

The beginning of the story reminds me of Hemingway, I guess for no other reason than that it’s written in Spanish. I never could write a travel journal as well as this. Have you been to the locales you’ve mentioned? Your writing really paints a picture of them all in my mind, especially the post office and the bar scene.

I love the way this story unfolds, originally withholding information about where he is and what he’s doing. You fill in the back story at a good pace, and it’s really a great, riveting backstory. I guess the meaning of the telegram is somewhat hidden. Is he telling his friend to have hope? To hope he’s doing well? I mean you can assume he’s telling his friend that he will return his daughter, but the word hope is ambiguous in this sense, at least to me.

As far as some constructive criticism, the part about the air being ripped from his lungs is good, but the following sentence that states it again (in relation to the words that were analogous to the air) seems somewhat gimmicky.

By: Anne Tyler Lord

Anne Tyler Lord — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 16:49:03 +0000

You really said a lot in that story! Very good descriptions of this world. I was captivated with their lives.

Happy New Year to you and I look forward to more of your writing!

By: Marisa Birns

Marisa Birns — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 14:16:47 +0000

Admire your writing very much!

Was captivated by the story and, like the others, would love to read more.

By: Skycycler

Skycycler — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 13:10:01 +0000

This is good, gripping stuff – is there more? Very good read.

By: Dana

Dana — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 06:23:13 +0000

Nicely done! I would definitely read more of this.

By: G.P. Ching

G.P. Ching — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 23:30:30 +0000

I agree with some of the other comments–this could be a novel in the making. Loved how you tied it all together in the end.

By: Deanna Schrayer

Deanna Schrayer — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 22:23:42 +0000

Wow, you packed a lot in such a short piece. And that last sentence sums it up well, though there’s so much here it does seem like just the beginning of a much bigger picture. I hope it is.

By: Laura Eno

Laura Eno — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:35:54 +0000

Beautiful ending – the story could end there or be a cliffhanger for more. Very well delivered.

By: Anton Gully

Anton Gully — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 22:06:12 +0000

I really liked that. One observation:

This implies the assistance was in place.:

“By the time dawn had come, Adam had had all the assistance in place that he would need to take on the pirates, including the Madam’s son.”

While this sentence immediately following it suggests he doesn’t know exactly who will definitely show up:

“Pauel had warned him that half of those who had taken his money in the promise of help would not turn up, but Adam had been sure that even half would be twice as much as he’d need.”

Just my opinion, but I think cutting the second sentence adds clarity and doesn’t take anything away from the story.